Getting Out Of Your Own Way
Happy New Year! I was inspired to do this video because I noticed that every day when I feed my dogs, they jump on me and each other and get in the way of what it is they want! We do this to our selves all the time, sometimes without even realizing it. Enjoy this video as I guide you through getting out of your own way to avoid self sabotage. Through these very effective steps, I’ll remind you to nurture your inner child along the way. For questions, or for an in-person, phone, or skype appointment, visit http://www.catherinedemonte.com or call 818-880-6559
Catherine DeMonte, LMFT – Contributing Author to “Making Marriage A Success”
Catherine DeMonte, LMFT - Contributing Writer
is available for purchase at http://www.amazon.com/MAKING-MARRIAGE-SUCCESS-Pearls-Experts/dp/1614345252/ref=cm_cmu_up_thanks_hdr and http://booklocker.com/books/5861.html
I am happy to announce that I was interviewed as a “Relationship Expert” for a book “Making Marriage a Success” by Jaleh Weber which just got published. The book is available on Amazon, at Barnes and Noble and online bookstores. It may also be purchased as an e-book. Here is my contribution to it:
Thought I would share it with you in the hopes that it might be useful to you in your life. ~enjoy!
“It is important to remember that when we enter into a relationship we are not entering it empty handed. We arrive into every relationship with our own baggage, our own stories, our own spoken and unspoken/conscious and unconscious beliefs, goals and desires, our own gender and role assignments, our parents input and programming, and all of our experiences. That is a lot to bring. Although we THINK we are seeing our partner with fresh eyes, we are really looking at him or her through a set of lenses; lens made out of past relationships and our whole belief system. How that shows up is, if for example your father abandoned your family when you were a child, you may believe all men eventually leave and will forever be on the lookout for his departure. You look for it so you won’t be side-swiped “when” (not “if”) it happens and may look for cues and clues that aren’t really there of his eventual departure. You might even unconsciously push him away so he will prove you right.
Another example is a girl who didn’t get a lot of attention from her father growing up might feel lonely and not cared about by her husband because he works long hours all week. However his story is that it’s a man’s job to provide well for his family and by sacrificing so much time away to earn money he is proving to her how much she means to him. A conversation about how both partners see the same situation differently becomes vital.
Whatever your “wound” or story is – it is important to have enough self-awareness so that you know when your partner triggers you, you don’t see it as “proof” of your wound – such as “I am not enough”, “I will be abandoned” “I have to do everything myself”, etc. Otherwise self-judgments turn into “My PARTNER is saying I am not enough”, “S/he is going to leave me.”, etc.
It is common to hear one half of a couple say to the other, “That is NOT what I said” or “I didn’t mean it like that!” That is because how it is said and how it lands by the listener can be two different things. We sometimes forget we are hearing things through our own filters. So when triggered by your partner, it is important not to look across at them and assign blame for how you feel but to look DOWN – into yourself, and see why you are triggered (which you can determine if you ask questions like “How does this feeling feel familiar?” or, “Do I truly believe my partner would mean it the way I took it? Is that really like him or her?”).
One of the many gifts of being in the close and intimate relationship that is marriage is that our partners becomes mirrors for us – mirrors that reflect both our beauty and where we need to grow. Perhaps if you get triggered by your partner, you can RESPOND instead of REACT and use it as an opportunity for your own self-awareness, growth and healing. This brings about not only self-awareness, but closeness and connection in the relationship as well.”
Catherine DeMonte, LMFT
Marriage, Family, Child Therapy
(310) 295-2130 Beverly Hills
(818) 880-6559 Calabasas
http://www.catherinedemonte.com
facebook http://www.facebook.com/catherinedemonte
I am honored to be a part of this free parenting teleclass!
DECEMBER TELECLASS
December 13, 2011
6pm PST/9p EST
Catherine De Monte, LMFT
I am honored to be a part of this masterful parenting course that is changing lives! The Ultimate Parenting Course is a home study program that gives you 8 videos/8 themes and a downloadable Handbook with action exercises. Twenty experts, widely considered the best in their field in progressive parenting, are interspersed in these 8 themes bringing you the best of today’s parent education together in one program. There are bonus videos for this course as well. The course content is derived from exclusive interviews and written material from a cadre of seasoned experts, distilling the best of their collective knowledge in one place. Upon purchase of this course, you will receive a password-protected link to view your first two videos and download the Handbook, Section I. You will receive two videos and the corresponding Handbook weekly, as well as your bonus videos. You can get more info. on the course or read about other parenting aids at the ultimate parenting bookstore at this link: http://ultimateparentingcourse.com/store/?ap_id=cathdemonte
Jessica Williams, founder and creator of L.O.V.E. Parenting, which produced The Ulitmate Parenitng course, is so excited that I wanted to participate in this project. Here is what she shared with me:
“Thank you, again, for lending your exclusive voice to this home study course with “the best of today’s progressive parenting experts” all in one place. Things are coming together and I am very excited.
I hope the Fall season is brining you peace in your home and in your heart. I have been deep at work interviewing parenting experts, PhD’s, MD’s, psychotherapists, and educators, all for contributions to online parenting course I am putting together. The course will have video, audio and text with information in eight essential themes applicable to parents of children from birth to age seven. I have been moved to tears and truly inspired during the filming process and I can’t wait to share this finished product with you. I have found myself making changes in my own parenting as a result of these interviews and it feels good! Thank goodness for FLUIDITY in parenting!!”
And now! A note from our sponsor!!:)
I know how challenging co-parenting can be when you add the stress of the daily demands of young children, work, financial stresses, health concerns, and the rest of it! I am hosting this teleclass with the lovely Catherine DeMonte on the topic of co-parenting to hopefully, bring relief, inspiration and support to you! Read on for the details. Register Here. This teleclass requires a phoneline; you dial into a conference call and after the call we email you with bullet points and action exercises from the class. Best of all, this telelcass is FREE. This is all part of the monthly offerings from the community of experts at the newly created http://www.UltimateParentingCourse.com.
Yours,
Jessica Williams, founder L.O.V.E Parenting
REGISTER HERE!!
This free teleclass is on the topic of Co-Parenting. We will cover topics including maintaining connection, creating a division of labor that works for your unique family, managing when you disagree about media, food, bedtimes, etc, developing a healthy co-parenting relationship during and after divorce, and the notion of “co-parenting” with other members of your community (grandparents, other parents, etc.)
Here is a link to the Ultimate Parenting bookstore: http://ultimateparentingcourse.com/store/?ap_id=cathdemonte! On the home page is a Free Teleclass box with a Sign-Up button. Register for the Free Teleclass and I’ll look forward to sharing with you on Tuesday! You can also check out the Ultimate Parenting Home Study (8 week) course with the “Best of the Nations’ progressive parenting experts”
This teleclass is hosted by Jessica Williams, of http://www.LoveParentingLA.com and creator of thewww.UltimateParentingCourse.com.
Love and Gratitude,
Catherine DeMonte, LMFT
Children ◦ Teens ◦ Adults ◦ Couples Issues ◦ Parenting ◦ Pregnancy
Grief Work and Loss ◦ Depression and Anxiety ◦ Life Transitions
Healing Past Wounds ◦ Finding Your Purpose
(818) 880-6559
(310) 295-2130
Intimacy After Children
Intimacy After Children
By Catherine DeMonte, LMFT
“I seem to have misplaced my mojo. It was here awhile ago. Or has it been longer than “awhile”? A long while ago maybe”. Sound familiar? It seems having children has a direct correlation to losing our libido. Between errands and chores, neither of which ever seem complete, lack of sleep, a house that can’t stay clean, and feeling spread too thin, sex goes out the window.
I hear this from new moms at a high rate.
What is it that makes our sex drive go on hiatus after a certain point in our relationship? Adding to the overwhelm and being tired, we are also possibly not in the best shape of our lives, maybe not feeling sexy, have had changes in our hormones, and on and on. I had a girlfriend tell me she felt like she was in “touch overload” when she was nursing and carrying her baby on her hip all day. She said the idea of her husband touching her at all was taxing. This is obviously a frustrating place to find ourselves, for us and for our men. There can be a kind of mourning or longing for it to be different but with no energy to shift it.
What can we do to bring it back? The first rule of thumb is good communication between you and your partner. Without it this will be a hard struggle to get through. This stage was the hardest point in my marriage and I believe our lack of talking about it was a huge part of the problem. I think I was afraid to bring it up for fear of putting any light on it and making it grow bigger, and my husband dealt with it by stuffing it. Now we would be different. We are older, wiser and closer (we just celebrated our 27th anniversary). Sharing feelings honestly about what’s going on in imperative. It’s important for a woman to share that she isn’t feeling ready and it’s important for a man to share if he feels frustrated. Having empathy when the other speaks is important too. Neither person is wrong; they are just in different places. Sharing how one feels with the other reflecting back what they heard is an important first step. I like the technique of one person saying what they need to, and then the other person saying “It sounds like you’re feeling…”, or, “I hear that you are frustrated (or whatever word they used) and that makes sense to me.” Saying you hear the other person is not saying you agree, or that you are wrong. It’s simply saying you get how they would feel that way. We can listen to respond or we can listen to understand.
Use “I” statements when communicating. This means starting your sentences with “I” vs. “You” (as in “You never want to be intimate anymore”. Ugh. No one wants to be spoken to that way).
Getting your mojo back also requires US to feel good about our beautiful goddess selves and comfortable in our skin. I found exercises that didn’t deplete my chi and made me become aware of my body was good for me. Exercises like yoga, tai-chi, pilates, dance, floor exercise, pole-dancing, movement; all use the body and body-mind connection and awaken our body awareness. I found I began to feel sexy again because I was loving moving my body and expressing myself through it. I did these things privately in my house, or in women-only classes. I wasn’t “performing” This was for me. But a lovely little side-effect was that by doing these things, I was feeling better about myself and where I was in my life and my husband noticed the difference and was moved by it. Like most things we do, when we give to ourselves in loving ways we send ourselves the message “I Matter” and it is attractive.
In my “Ignite Your Inner Goddess” class I teach women to listen to their body-stories, to love all the parts of themselves, and to embrace wherever it is they find themselves on their journey. What is your “story” about being a Mom as it relates to sex?
Part of losing our libido soon after children are born is a protective system in place that Nature wisely set in new mothers. It is there to prevent women from having a lot of children close together so that she can tend to herself and the baby at hand. Smart, huh?! So it’s meant to be a time to nurture ourselves and take things slowly, to be reflective, and to heal.
Intimacy, or “Into-Me-See” takes vulnerability. When we are tired, overwhelmed, our sleep has been interrupted, perhaps we are arguing more with our partner, then we may not feel like having sex! For women, wanting to be sexual comes from having felt loved and appreciated and emotionally connected to throughout the day. It’s our fore-play. When that’s not there sometimes our libido isn’t either.
One way to bring it back is a technique called sensate focus. A shortened definition of sensate focus is that you take sex out of the equation. The goal is intimacy, not orgasm. So it begins with a romantic setting; candles, music, connecting to each other. Some kissing. Some light (non-sexual) touching. Both partners know that in the beginning there can be no sex. It’s agreed. Therefore neither should bring it up or try to sway the other. It’s off-limits for now. The person doing the touching is exploring the other’s body. It is suggested that one night be about one partner doing the touching and the next time the other partner does the touching exercises.
After a period of non-sexual touching for several nights, it gets more intimate. More caressing, longer and more passionate kissing. You add to your repertoire. Sexual touch can be added, but still no intercourse.
This is followed at a later time with sex being agreed on. Now it comes because both people have anticipated it, wanted it but couldn’t have it and have grown closer by the exploration. I find when I suggest this technique to my clients they see positive results
If the situation isn’t needing something as structured as sensate focus to get back on track, there are other ways to bring sexy back. If men knew how much kindness and emotional connection turned us on, they would always be in great moods! Asking about our day, making us coffee in the morning, rubbing our feet, leaving little notes around – most of the time these are bigger turn-ons than any sexual acrobatics or feats. It makes women feel loved to be treated like this. And feeling loved makes us feel loving. And feeling loving makes us, well…you get the idea.
Having sex in different places from your usual place (I read about one couple having sex on the trampoline in the backyard!), reading or viewing sexy literature or movies, using a lubricant, going slowly, setting “dates”, calling your partner at work and whispering sweet nothings to him, can all supercharge your sex life as well. Have fun with it. There is no end to the possibilities. Knowing this is a stage and not the way it always will be helps a lot. Getting through this stage with humor, grace and love can get a couple not only back to the other side but closer than ever before because of the journey.
Catherine DeMonte, LMFT is in private practice in Calabsas. She can be reached at (818) 880-6559 or catherinedemonte@gmail.com. Please view her website at http://www.catheriendemonte.com
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